i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
