i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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