At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
