I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
