highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
