grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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