I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize