Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
