was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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