is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
