remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
