Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
