She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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