I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
