I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
