the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Randomize
