haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
