Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
