Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
