Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Oh god it's open bar.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
