I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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