two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
