Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have post one night stand depression
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
