just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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