those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
