You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
