Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
