so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
