You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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