just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
