I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
