My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
