I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
