I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i am craving dick and cupcakes
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
