My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
