Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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