my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
