I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
