I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
