Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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