It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
