Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
