made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
