booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
