I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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