woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
ttyl tear gas
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
