I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
