Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
