the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
