I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
