Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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