I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
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