You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
