Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just want to make out with him forever
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
