So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
