watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
