I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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