Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Randomize
