Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
