Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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