you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
