I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
