This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
