false alarm. still invincible.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No subtext here. People are naked.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
