i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
