so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
