My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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