If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
