I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
