No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
