I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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